Fatty McFat Fat Cookies (Chocolate chip, Heath Bar bits, Coconut, & Extra Sea Salt)

I really wanted some flipping cookies, for days. I dreampt about them and tried to hold off, even ate a couple of dry discuses from Safeway that only left me feeling empty & incomplete. So I gave in.

Ingredients
1 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 heaping teaspoon sea salt
1 stick (1/2 cup; 8 tablespoons) fatty-ass salted butter. I use Kerrigold.
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1/3 cup packed brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 large egg
1 cup Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips (I used Ghirardelli)
1/2 cup Heath Bar toffee bits (sadistic jerks sell this in the baking aisle)
1/2 cup sweet, sweet (sweetened) coconut flakes

Ashamed yet? Let’s keep going.

Preheat oven to 375° F.

Cut the butter into 4 shameful pieces & melt in the microwave for like 30 seconds. Throw everything in a bowl in a chaotic manner & try whisking it first, then use your hands because your gluttonous ingredients have made it impossible to mix properly with any respectable cooking utensils.

Roll into normal cookie-sized balls (I don’t know, I think this is like 1.5″ in diameter. I’m not a mathematician) & put on a baking sheet – you don’t need to add more grease, I think you’ve got that covered. Approx 12 per standard sheet, or 3 rows of 4.

Bake for 9-11 minutes. Don’t allow to cool – smoosh them off impatiently like I did & throw on another batch.

Makes maybe 24 cookies, give or take, depending on how big you make them.

Tip: wash your hands with dish soap, that butter-grease covering them isn’t going to come off easily with anything else. Or lick them clean… depends on how much self-respect you have.

Tabouli – the party-sized recipe

I bought a mini food processor over the weekend, so I decided to make something I’ve wanted to make forever – TABOULI!

I love tabouli. I could eat it every day. But alas, it’s few & far between. No more! This is surprisingly cheap to make. Most expensive part was probably the olive oil.

*allergy note: you can substitute couscous for bulgar wheat if you have a gluten thing.

Tabouli Ingredients:
3 cups bulgar wheat (aka cracked wheat)
3 cups very hot water
2 bunches of fresh parsley (chopped very finely)
1/2 cup (approx) fresh mint (I think I used spearmint; chopped very finely)
1 yellow onion (not too big; chopped very finely)
1 cucumber (chopped very finely)
2 roma tomatoes (chopped very finely)
1 clove garlic (chopped very finely)

Dressing:
1/2 cup lemon juice (fresh or bottled)
3/4 cup olive oil
1 tablespoon pepper
2 teaspoons sea salt, or to taste

Pour the cracked wheat into a large (as large as possible) mixing bowl & add the hot water, and let stand for about 30 minutes (wheat will absorb the water & become soft). Drain any excess water (I’m going to try a cheesecloth next time).

While it absorbs, prep veggies in the food processor. This is fun. My favorites were the parsley & mint, and onion. I set the shredded tomatoes on paper towels to dry the excess water. Simply dump these on top of the bulgar wheat & then mix.

Create the dressing in a separate bowl & whisk together. Pour over tabouli & mix well.

Serve either right away at room temperature, or chilled. This makes about 20 servings, so feel free to half (or quarter) the recipe. I was really hungry. And this turned out REALLY good.

(enlarge)
Serve over greens; this is just spooned over some kale & romaine. You can also just eat it plain, or with pita bread, with hummus, etc…

Brussels Sprout & Onion Hash

Special thanks to Valerie for supplying the original recipe; I made a few modifications, but not many…

Super simple, the longest part is chopping up the onion & brussels sprouts. But worth it! Definate comfort food. I cut down the amount of butter/oil the original recipe called for & found it perfect… but feel free to add more if you want.

Ingredients:
-15-20 medium sized brussels sprouts (minced)
-1/2 yellow onion (minced)
-1 tbsp sugar
-2 tbsp olive oil
-3 tbsp margarine/butter (I used vegan margarine)
-2 tbsp apple cider vinegar
-salt
-pepper

Add 2 tbsp margarine to a large frying pan on medium/high heat. Add onions & allow to caramelize (about 5 minutes), while mixing in salt & pepper. Add apple cider vinegar & sugar, cook about 5 more minutes. Put aside.

Add in 1 tbsp olive oil, then add brussels sprouts, then mix in additional tbsp olive oil allow to brown a bit (about another 5 minutes). Add remaining 1 tbsp butter on top & a little more salt, & mix. Add in onions & mix up.

Viola! yummy! Serves 1-2.

(oh, the white thing is the spatula I was using)

MUS A (Made-Up Soup A)

I’m tired of limiting my recipes to the region they’re from – within about a square mile or so of my San Jose, CA apartment, there are restaurants that serve Mediterranean food, French, English, Cuban, Vietnamese, Japanese, Chinese, Thai, Mexican, Persian, Russian, English, & your standard American burger joint. I live in the middle of the melting pot. So why limit myself?

Here is a funky-ass soup I made with whatever the hell I felt like using (& whatever I had in my fridge), regardless of region. Honestly I didn’t put much thought into what “should” go together but rather what sounds good.

The result? FUCKING YUMMY. I had seconds.

Ingredients:
4 cups vegetable broth (one of the cartons, I use the stuff from Trader Joe’s)
3 baby bok choy
3 celery stems (chopped into little U shapes)
1 carrot (chopped into circles)
1/2 yellow onion (chopped into little squares)
1/2 block of tofu (cut into blocks)
salt (about a half tablespoon)
olive oil (about a tablespoon)
paprika (dash)
white pepper (generous dash)
Sriracha sauce (“Cock Sauce” or “Red Rooster Sauce”)
Optional: Cheddar cheese

Time: about 30 minutes including prep

Directions: In a decent sized pot put vegetable broth on medium heat (just to a boil). Add carrot, celery, onion, olive oil. Cook for about 5-10 minutes, then add bok choy & tofu. Cook another 5-10 minutes or until bok choy is tender (but not limp). Add salt, paprika, white pepper & sriracha to taste (I like mine fairly spicy, & used about a tablespoon or so).

That’s about it – I was craving cheese so I put some slices of Tillamook Cheddar on top & let it melt. THIS IS GOOD. I don’t know why, but it’s awesome. Or at least I think so.

Butter-Garlic Spaghetti

Damn I’ve been neglecting this website! Thankfully (?) a friend’s post tonight inspired me to get into the kitchen where I belong.

This can be made in like 5-10 minutes for whoever many people you want. My recipe is for 1:

Ingredients:
-Dry Sphaghetti
-Sun dried tomatoes (I used the kind in a jar full of oil; maybe 2 tablespoons? I don’t know)
-Fresh Basil leaves (like 5 or 6)
-Butter, about a tablespoon (I used the fancy Irish Salted Butter)
-Garlic Salt

Boil water (put a dash of salt in the water to make it boil faster. If you’re using a lot of water, you can add a little bit of olive oil to help keep it from boiling over). Split the dry spaghetti into 3rds & cook for 5-10 min, stirring sometimes.

Put the sun dried tomatoes into a medium sized bowl. Wash the basil & shred into little-ish pieces, put these in the bowl on top of the tomatoes.

When the sphaghetti’s done boiling, strain in a colander & put on top of the basil. Allow it to sit a little bit to soften/wilt the basil a little bit. Add butter on top & allow to melt. Then add garlic salt (to taste) & stir.

That’s it!

Taco Bell Sushi

My god.

Step 1: Buy ingredients from Taco Bell. You will need:

-1 Side of Rice
-1 Side of Pintos & Cheese
-1 Side of Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes
-the chips-n-plasticheese cup of nachos

(this is enough for 1 person with leftover ingredients. If you want to serve 2 people this shit, get 2 sides of rice. You gluttonous pigs can half the pintos & cheese, cheesy potatoes & nachos; there’s plenty).

Oh, plus sushi nori.

Step 2: Hide your shame (or take pictures of it & post it on the internet)

Step 3: Take out a poor, unsuspecting sheet of nori (who’s wanted nothing to do its whole life but be made into respectable sushi; you’re about to kill its dreams) & put on a plastic wrap-wrapped sushi mat

Step 4: Add ingredients. Oh boy. The rice I got was sticky… and I found the usual “wet hands, pat sushi rice down” method to be ineffective. I used the spork that came with the sides… the shame… Layers: Smooth rice down, then on the side put pintos & cheese, then cheesy fiesta potatoes, then squish some of the nacho chips & sprinkle on top.

Step 5: Roll your roll. Now take the cheese cup from the nachos & mix in some Hot Sauce packets… viola, foodlike dipping substance.

Look at this shit.

This is really horrible. It tastes kind of weird with the seaweed too; not bad, just wrong. Next time I’m going to use a thin tortilla & cut it into a square shape.

Bell Pepper “Fries”

Ok, this name is stupid. But damnit if they’re not good.

For whatever reason my coworkers are always bugging me when I eat this at work (which is pretty frequent, it’s a favorite snack).

Ingredients:
-Bell Pepper
-Ranch

Directions:
Slice bell pepper. Toss seeds/funky bits. Eat w/ranch.

Nuked Zucchini

Ingredients:
-Zucchini
-Cheese

Directions:
Take 1 or 2 zucchini, wash, & slice into rounds. If you like cooked zucchini a little crunchy, cut thicker. If you like it really mushy, slice thinly. Cut up some cheese (I used cheddar) & put on top. Nuke on high for about 2 minutes.

Ta-da!

Offensive Sushi

(Demonstrated in pictures for obvious reasons)

Ok, here’s a culmination of different things that don’t normally go together in one tight little roll. You’ve got Sushi (Japan), Garlic & Basil (Italy), Macadamia Nuts (Hawaii), & Cream Cheese & the nerve to do something so ridiculous (California).

This is my attempt of recreating the “Guido Roll” found at Mobo Sushi in Santa Cruz, which I was hopelessly addicted to in college (note: I’ve made this many times). I am very lazy, messy, & my “sushi knife” is pink & was purchased at Target for like $10. This is going to offend some sushi purists, but it’s SOOO good…

Some of the ingredients

Ingredients:
-3/4 cup dry Short Grain Rice
-Nori (seaweed sheets)
-1 avocado
-1 clove garlic
-cream cheese (I use whipped; easier to spread)
-fresh basil leaves
-macadamia nuts
-wasabi powder
-rice vinegar

—Traditionally this is served with pickled ginger. Pickled ginger is usually not vegetarian (jarred with little fish) & tastes like Lysol. I hate the stuff. But many people love it. So get it if you want. Preparation for this: take out of jar. Put on plate.

Tools:
-cutting board
-a very sharp knife
-sushi mat
-plastic wrap

This recipe will make about 2 rolls

Step 1:
Rinse the rice out 3 times with water; this makes it not gross. Cook plain (I use a rice cooker, it’s easier).

Step 2:
While the rice cooks, prep your ingredients:

Cut about half the avocado up into very thin slices. Wash basil leaves. Chop garlic.

Crush macadamia nuts kinda coarsely between 2 spoons; I didn’t want to pay $7.49 for the Mauna Loa kind, so I bought the $4 sale pack of mixed nuts & picked the macadamia nuts out. You only need about 6 of them for 2 rolls.

Step 3:

*Real Sushi Chefs* have very specific methods for adding rice vinegar to rice, involving diagonally separating the rice at 45 degree angles & folding the vinegar in very carefully so as not to break the rice grains. I just sort of pour in about half a tablespoon & mix it like cake batter.

Step 4:
For normal Nori rolls (seaweed on the outside of the roll), do this:

Cover your bamboo sushi mat with plastic wrap. Put a sheet of Nori on it. Spread the rice over the nori as thinly as possible; spoon it on, then wet your fingers & press into the nori. Keep wetting your fingers; the moisture will help soften the nori (i.e. not a crunchy gross seaweed sheet). Keep about an inch of the nori uncovered!!

Step 5: (ingredients)

Put a couple of chopsticks (or whatever) under the side of the sheet opposite the exposed nori part. Add basil.

Smear on some cream cheese. It’s easier to spread if you let it sit on the counter for awhile, too.

Sprinkle the crushed macadamia nuts & garlic evenly over the cream cheese.

Add on the avocado; don’t overstuff… you don’t want to see what will happen if you do that!

Step 6:

Roll the sushi using the bamboo mat.. hard to explain this & couldn’t take pics of myself doing it! basically, take the raised part under the chopsticks & roll upwards over the ingredients, push the mat up & over. & once the edge hits the center-ish part, squeeze it tightly & roll tighter… till it looks like the above.

Step 7:

That’s about it – now set this roll on the cutting board & cut in the center; wash knife, cut those 2 pieces in half; wash knife, cut those 4 pieces in half. Arrange – you should have equally sized pieces

CONGRATS! YOU JUST MADE A ROLL! Now, wanna make one inside out?

Do the same thing with the rice on the nori; add whatever you want to it (I added black sesame seeds) or leave just rice.

CAREFULLY, flip over, rice on the plastic. On the edge with the bare nori (as in add just to the side of the bare nori, over the rice), add your ingredients (smear cream cheese on the nori, then sprinkle with macadamia nuts & garlic, then basil, then avocado). Now roll the same way as you did with the other roll.

Squeeze roll with sushi mat uber-tight! Think about your ex or listen to some powernoise.

Viola! Now cut this guy the same way (halves of halves of halves) & you’ll have another 8 pieces.

Oh yeah… WASABI!!

I use the kind you can buy as a powder. This stuff is great. Just add a bunch of powder to a little bowl & add small amounts of water & stir until it has the consistency of play-doh. Then cover & let stand 5 minutes to develop the flavor.

If you haven’t had sushi before, you mix the wasabi with soy sauce to taste, & dip your tasty sushi bites in it.

And…

Serves about 2. Best served with miso soup & if you’re really hungry, a side of plain white rice.

Fried Burrito “Surprise”

Fatty fatty nom nom nom…

Ingredients:

-large flour tortilla
-refried beans (I recommend refried black beans)
-cheese (pepper jack!!)
-Margarine
-Dave’s Hurtin’ Habenero hot sauce (or whatever you want)
-Cholula Hot sauce (or whatever you want)
-Sour Cream

In a frying pan, heat about a tablespoon of margarine on medium heat. Take the tortilla & moisten one side with water (this will give it a “fresh cooked” texture & crunch). Put the tortilla wet-side down in the frying pan & pat down, add refried beans. Mix Dave’s Hurtin’ Habenero hot sauce in with the beans, & add cheese on top. Before the tortilla gets too crunchy, fold over into a burrito shape, & fry on all sides.

Put fried burrito on a plate, add Cholula hot sauce on top (or enchilada sauce… or empty out that collection of Taco Bell packets that have been piling up on your counter). Slop on some sour cream. Nom…

Serves 1 gluttonous piggy.